I think Motherhood has to be biggest paradox life throws at us women. On the one hand is the precious little one you have nurtured as your own flesh and blood and continue to do so which takes up your entire life. Well, almost. On the other hand, you have a life which was full of fun and opportunities until the baby arrived. I don’t think there is any of us who hasn’t gone down that lane of 'what if'. What if I had decided to not have the baby? Imagine the kind of fun I could have had if I didn’t have the baby. Did you get my point already?
On one hand is the happiness that you see your child growing up and trust me, it doesn’t match up with anything else in life. It is something that you would only understand if you have lived it and experienced it. It is an all-consuming ethereal feeling. Sometimes you would feel there is so much love inside you that it would burst out at the seams. That this mortal body isn’t capable of storing so much love. But it is. But there are days when all the love doesn’t seem enough and the heart yearns for something else. At first you think it is a temporary feeling. That it would go away. But it comes back every now and then, with a vengeance. A yearning for your old life, a yearning for your old body without the extra layer of flab and a yearning for time with your better half.
So even though I seem to be really happy with the way I am right now, with the baby and all, somewhere deep down I am not. I aspire to be someone I am not. Paradox much?
I have thought about it umpteen number of times. Of what I want from life. Do I agree in my heart that I don’t enjoy being a mother? Do I really love my old life all that much? The answer is a resounding NO. Once a mother, always a mother. I love the feeling of being a mother. Of loving and nourishing that little bundle of joy God blessed us with. I wouldn’t want to undo any part of that amazing 9 month journey or the journey after she was born. But yet, sometimes, I want to go back. To be myself. To not just be a mother. But to also be the individual that I am. To live the dreams that I had once seen. To soar high as I had dreamt. Or simply, sometimes be a normal human being who can make mistakes and not have thy guilt conscience kill you.
My takeaway from this story: Motherhood is a single lane road. You cannot have your cake and eat it too! :-)
Do you feel the same way?